What do you know? I purchased jeans on-line again and I am disappointed. I am a huge fan of Levi’s. Many of their products have been of the highest quality and have a nice fit.  I have a few pairs and have sworn to only purchase Levi’s from now on because I love the pairs that I have so much. I was so super siked when I found the Re-Issued Vintage denim on Levi’s website. I am a huge fan of vintage. I’m a huge fan of Levi’s. And I’m a huge fan of vintage Levi’s. Match made in heaven? I purchased the 1966 Skinny Jeans pictured above and the 1974 Bell Bottoms pictured below. Both retail for $49.50. There were what I needed, I thought. I misunderstood somewhat. These are “based” on the Orange Tag denim of the 60’s and 70’s, so I got “based on a true story” ripped. But, they claim to be an “authentic reissue” based on the company website. No way, these are nothing like I’ve had before. In the past (and my super thin teen days), I had a pair of early 60’s jeans and a pair of early 50’s Levi’s. Amazing stuff, thick, sturdy, and went over my belly button. This is what I wanted again. I am a classy, vintage loving lady. No more low riding jeans, please! High waisted pants are much more flattering on me. Both of these jeans claim to be “hi-rise”, sounds good. Hi-rise is supposed to sit just below your natural waist, belly button I take it. Nope! The 1966 “model” sets 4.5 inches from my belly button and the 1974 bells set 3 inches. This isn’t very hi-rise. I mean my Levi’s 526 jeans are 2 inches from the belly button!

The washes are dark. I got the “Rachel” in both, made to look dark and like rigid denim, you know thick stuff. It is “Italian denim”, whatever that is. This stuff isn’t “rugged”. It is strangely shiny and super thin denim. It looks like “novelty” denim that you would get from somewhere like Forever 21. I imagine that instead of looking better with time through multiple washes that it would look worse, perhaps even piling. I was really disappointed by the poor feel of the denim. It did have some stretch if you like that. But, you could definitely tell it was “stretchy” because it looks a bit shiny and spandex-y.

Now on to my other complaints (as if the crappy denim and too low waist line wasn’t enough). The length is outrageous! I was going to have to pay like $50 to get these hemmed. Maybe I should disclose my size to you. I’m not too big, an 8 and 5 foot 9 inches. I’m tall. I wear heels on top of that. These were so long. They claim to be 34 inch inseam. When I measured both of the inseams, they are 36 inches! That is so long. I had the bells on with 4 inch Via Spiga wooden platforms and I was still stepping on about 2 inches of fabric. You may need a 36 inch inseam and that is fine but to have that as the only option is insane!

And the jeans do not have the Levi’s logo on the waist! And the pockets are stupid looking, too; large and make the butt look dumpy and pear like.

Also, my order did not come with an invoice or a RS label! Just a silly ad for Docker’s! That’s right, Docker’s. I had to call the company and it is going to cost me 7 bucks to return these. I knew that, that is their return policy but should I have really recieved a package without those essential items?

So, another lesson learned. These are not for me. The 1966 Skinny was not good looking on me. Nothing special about it all. Their other “skinny” jeans look much better. The 1974 was an OK cut if you could ignore the length. It did have a crease plus amble and roomy bells. I would imagine that if you were 6 feet tall and smaller than a 4 and all legs (no hips), then you could wear these. But, if that is you, then you’ll look good in anything!

My fashion goal this summer is to be as fabulous as Lucy Lawless as Xena Warrior Princess. I can check off Xena hair from my list since I’ve went from red to dark brown. I can check most of the killer wrap up the leg shooties and sandals off my list. I can also check the makeup off my list, I just need to get tanner. Hubby and I have been re-watching the show. I didn’t realize what a huge impact it had on me the first time around. I learned that adding “and then Xena saved the day” to any high school Greek mythology essay would really piss off your teachers. I learned that all sandals must wrap up the leg. I learned that we all have “many skills”. After re-watching I’ve realized that my “Cleopatra” complex isn’t a “Cleopatra” complex at all but a “Xena” complex. I also realize that being a fan of the show, no wonder everybody thought I was a mega lesbian. I also have learned that I am a dork. I want to be as glam as Xena but I really want the fashions of the extras in the show. They are so whimsy grunge and look like all the kids that sell fruit at Pike’s Place Market. So my goal is to be everything ancient and old and warrior like with a mix of Jethro Tull and folk metal with Xena hair with a purple glaze. Yep. So to get Xena’s simple makeup look with Lancome products:

Apply a tinted moisturizer in your shade. I love Lancome Bienfait Multi-Vital Teinte Tinted Moisturizer. Since this is a summer look, I recommend going a shade darker than usual. Since tinted moisturizer is sheer, it is a nice way to add some “color” without looking like a peanut butter face. Since tinted moisturizer is sheer you may need to apply concealer where needed. I love Lancome Maquicomplet Complete Coverage Concealer. Apply bronzer, try something like Tropiques Minerale Mineral Smoothing Pressed Powder Bronzer. I would still apply it with a fluffy brush. You can reapply the bronzer to cheeks as blush or use more of a peachy blush such as Blush Subtil in Cappucine.

One of my favorite products ever is Lancome’s Le Crayone Poudre Eyebrow Pencil. It is a pencil with a powder texture. It looks really natural. Brush brows into place with the spoolie and then fill in and brush with the spoolie again to blend the color. For the eyes, apply Color Design Sensational Effects Eyeshadow in Gaze or Positive from lashline to brows. In the crease blend Impress. This will really make blue eyes pop too. Or you can brush the bronzer into the crease. Apply Le Crayon Khol Smoky Eyeliner in Black Coffee to top lashline. Apply to bottom lashline, halfway. Take a stiff liner brush dab into the bronzing powder and blend outward for a smoky look. Apply a dark mascara to top and bottom lashes such as High Definicils mascara.

Lips are nude and defined. Apply my favorite lip liner ever: Le Lipstique in Bronzelle. Contour the lip line. Apply Color Design Lipcolor in Natural Beauty, a nude taupey mauve. Now you’re finished and ready to get into bar fights with warlords and to look damn good will spitting flaming liquor into their faces.

Once again I fell for lame advertising gimmicks. I purchased the Victoria’s Secret VS Uplift Jeans with Tummy Flattening Technology. (I know, I should not have fell for this; jeans should never be this complicated.) I’ve always wanted an ass. I’ve even considered plastic surgery for it. Then, I talked myself out of doing that. I started working out and got a firm butt, but still no “butt”. I’ve had people tell me to buy these. So I went to the website: Sexy is built right in with patent-pending technology: a special powernet panel in nylon and spandex with seams for shape, stretch for fit. Enhances your derriere. Flattens your tummy. Slims thighs so they look smoother and feel firmer.”

Notice the use of lady words such as “derriere” and “tummy”. Well, the powernet panel resembles creepy built-in biker shorts, talk about hot in the summer. All these did were flatten what little I have. You couldn’t tell where my leg met with “derriere”. The Tummy Flattening Technology resembles a wicked case of the muffin top. The technology is to resemble a pair of two sizes too small pants all while still fitting around the waist. I bought the rinse wash which did not look expensive at all. It resembled a pair of thin cotton Lee’s jeans that I had as a kid. There was no cute stitching, no rivets, very poorly made. The pockets were set very low, in fact it made things appear droopy. Anyways, I’m returning them and sticking to my classic Levi’s. If I want nylon and spandex then I’ll wear some Spanx. But, as my very sweet husband said, “You can’t lift what you don’t have.” Thanks babe, at least I have tits.

VS Uplift Jeans